The joys of teaching

This week I have been trying to get the students to write a personal statement to the University of their choice in England. After teaching them about Secondary School, College and University last week and writing a draft statement on the board, this was a very easy task for them to do. I decided to play music quietly in the background, as they all seemed to want this. So I opted for James Blunt - English, relaxing and non-offensive. Perfect. For the last lesson this week, I also brought in a bag of lollys as a treat for working well last week. Nothing could go wrong?

In the last lesson of the week, I sat back, looked at the class and thought to myself - 'what a great lesson, im a natural at this!'. I even started singing in my head, listeing to the music for the first time. This is when things started to get funny. Me humming in my head -

" Yeah, she caught my eye,
As I walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
f***ing high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end."

Oops. 600 students and I dont think one of them heard it, hopefully. But this was just the start. Next it was time to give them their lollys before the end of lesson. It was only after I handed them out that I realised that all of the lollys had bloody whistles on the end. WHISTLES. 35 students excited by listening to music with a whistle in their mouth. The result was horrible. The bell went and they left, all whistling merrily down the corridor. I imagine their next teacher is going to hate me.

Just when I thought it couldnt get any more bizare, I read one of the students letters. If you can imagine, I have read and marked about 570 so far, and they are all pretty much the same. Then I read this one. I'll introduce him first, his name is Legolas. That's right, Legolas! I asked them all to write a little introduction, then a bit about their hobbies and then their past education (as if they had been taught in England). -

Dear Mr Stokes,

My name is Legolas. I have no age because I am an elf, immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings.

My hobbies are shooting arrows and killing talons and the fangs of the dark lord sauraon.

I am currently studying at college for my A Levels. I do the Lord of the Rings. How to destroy the lord of the rings, and the short comings of Sauron. I chose this subject because of Frodo, Sam and Aragon.

At Secondary School, I did G.C.S.E's (Gabfect of Curbing Saurons Eagerness) in fighting and psychology (how to be ridden of the rings).

I have nothing more to say. I must finish my task first, that is all.

Thankyou for reading my letter.

Yours

Legolas

I have nothing more to say. What can I do with that? Give him good marks for knowing you do G.C.S.E's at Secondary School? I think I will wait till he has finished his task. Im off for a beer to try and wake myself up from the most ridiculous lesson I have had so far!